Fic: Wild At Heart

[briarwood]

Title: Wild At Heart (Cry Wolf 'verse)
Fandom: Sentinel
Rating: Mature
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Warnings: None
Notes: If you haven't read Cry Wolf, the only thing you need to know is that Blair is a werewolf.

Summary: "It was at this time, just before the Change, that Blair felt he had a sense – just the merest inkling – of what it was like to be Jim. To be a sentinel. Blair’s sense of touch became so heightened that clothing was uncomfortable; his hearing sharpened; his sense of taste warped somehow, so foods he wouldn’t normally enjoy became sweet as honey. Most of all his sense of smell seemed to go into overdrive, each scent around him clear and unique."

Written for: slipperieslope who won me in this year's Sweet Charity auction. She generously asked me to share the story with everyone right away, so here it is! Enjoy!
Credits: Thanks to raynedanser for the super-fast beta!

---

The soft cotton of Blair’s shirt felt stiff and coarse against his too-sensitive skin and he unbuttoned the garment quickly. It was a relief when he laid the folded shirt in the chest with his jeans. His socks followed, then his underpants. He closed the chest and straightened, standing nude among the bales of hay. He reached up to his long hair, running his hands through his curls, shaking his head so the hair tumbled down over his shoulders. The stone floor felt rough and cool beneath his bare feet.

He left the barn, stray stalks of hay scratching his feet as he walked into the open stable-yard. It was the height of summer but this close to the snow-capped mountains there was a bracing freshness to the air. Blair’s bare skin buzzed with anticipation. The smells of the stable assaulted his senses: the acrid scent of horse-piss and manure, the warmer scents of hay and feed and sweat. The horse was a new addition to the farm and Blair could hear the gelding move restlessly in the stall; it blew air through its nostrils and whickered.

It was at this time, just before the Change, that Blair felt he had a sense – just the merest inkling – of what it was like to be Jim. To be a sentinel. Blair’s sense of touch became so heightened that clothing was uncomfortable; his hearing sharpened; his sense of taste warped somehow, so foods he wouldn’t normally enjoy became sweet as honey. Most of all his sense of smell seemed to go into overdrive, each scent around him clear and unique. As if in compensation, his sight dimmed, colours becoming muted, his distance vision unclear. As night fell, all colour leeched away and he saw the world around him in shades of black, grey and silver.

Blair looked up at the sky. There was no moon yet, but there would be soon. He could feel the moon rising, calling to the wolf within him.

A familiar scent reached him as he waited and Blair whirled around, shocked. “Jim! Go inside!”

Jim wore jogging pants, sneakers and a black, sleeveless t-shirt. He carried a backpack in one hand. A light sheen of sweat gleamed on his skin. Jim smelled of clean maleness and home and safety. But so close to moonrise Jim couldn’t be with Blair! It wasn’t safe at all!

Jim moved toward him. “It’s okay, Chief,” he said, his tone soft and reassuring. “Daniel told us it’s safe, remember? You’ll know me, because we’re a couple.”

It was true. Daniel, the old werewolf Jim had tracked down while working his first case as a police consultant, had taught them both what Blair being a werewolf would mean for them. Daniel had assured them both that as long as they were lovers and faithful to each other, the wolf in Blair would recognise Jim as his mate. But Blair didn’t want to test it.

“I know what he said,” Blair agreed unhappily.

“So I want to come with you tonight.”

“No!” The protest left Blair’s throat as a growl. He had only moments before the Change. There was no time to debate with Jim. Why was he doing this?

Jim took another step toward him. “It’ll be alright, Chief. Trust me. Trust Daniel.”

Daniel had taught Blair to control the wolf inside, and it was true that he’d met Jim in wolf form before. But that had been with others around them. Blair did not trust himself alone with Jim. Before he could say it, the first heat of the Change rose in him, filling his insides with fire. He doubled over with the pain of it and fell to his knees. Blair clutched at his stomach and gazed up at Jim, his eyes pleading. Please go, Jim, please. Go inside.

He tried to say the words, tried to scream them, but language was always the first thing to go. He could only beg with his eyes as bones shifted beneath his skin and he screamed as the Change took him.

***

Jim turned away from the sight of Blair’s transformation. He couldn’t help with this part. It was private and Blair had to go through it alone. But this was the only part of the night Blair would be alone. Jim was determined.

Oh, but he couldn’t bear to hear Blair screaming in agony! And it wasn’t only Blair’s scream; Jim heard the pop and crunch of his bones reshaping, the wet tearing of flesh. It would never get any easier. Blair would suffer like this three nights every month for the rest of his life. Jim listened because he had no choice.

When Blair’s scream became the howl of a wolf, Jim could look his way again. In wolf form Blair was a giant, grey wolf with silver-tipped fur and startling blue eyes. The wolf’s howl faded and he stood before Jim, head hanging down, panting and exhausted by the Change. Then he sat back on his haunches and looked up at Jim.

Jim smiled and crouched down the way he would to greet a dog. “Chief?”

Blair-wolf barked and came toward him, claws clicking on the stone floor. Jim laid a hand on the soft fur of his head and couldn’t resist scratching behind his ears. Blair-wolf yipped.

Jim laughed. “See? I trust you, Chief.” He reached for the backpack and slipped his arms through the straps. “Are you ready to hunt?”

Blair-wolf yipped again, an excited bark that could only be an affirmative. He turned tail and bounded away.

Jim got to his feet and followed, breaking into a run.

***

Mate said hunt. Hungry. Change always makes him hungry.

Hunt. Hunt now.

Running. Soft grass beneath his paws, road at his side. Smell of human stuff all around. No good for hunt. Clumsy sound of Mate blundering after him. Mate is Jim. Good smells, but not good hunter like wolf.

Stone wall ahead. Wolf leaps, claws scrabble at stone and he’s over in a single bound. Lands on dirt track and runs into the trees.

Running, faster and faster. Too much energy to burn. Hungry. Needs to hunt. Needs to kill.

Small prey in the woods – a mouse below, birds above. Wolf ignores them all. Wolf seeks larger prey under the moon.

***

Jim went jogging every morning without fail, cross country around Panther Creek. He did push-ups and sit-ups, at least a hundred a day, and the ongoing task of restoring the farm was hard, physical labour. He was as fit as he had ever been and yet he could barely keep up with the wolf. Blair-wolf covered the ground as if he were flying, leaping easily over obstacles Jim had to go around. But Jim was used to running across rough ground and he kept up a strong pace, his sentinel senses full on so the darkness was no hindrance. He needed that edge to keep up with Blair-wolf.

As they reached the ridge above the creek, Blair-wolf stopped briefly, allowing Jim to catch up. Jim wasn’t certain if Blair-wolf was truly waiting for him, or just sniffing the air to choose a new direction, but he was grateful for the momentary respite. As Jim gained the ridge, Blair-wolf took off again. This time there was more purpose in his headlong run: the wolf had caught the scent of prey.

Immediately after the Change, a werewolf needed to hunt and feed. Jim understood that. It was perhaps the hardest part of this...condition...for Blair. Blair was no vegetarian but that need to kill terrified him. Blair was afraid he would hurt a person some full moon, the way he had been attacked by a hunting werewolf.

Woodlands surrounded Panther Creek and the small town was only a short distance from the national park. There was plenty of indigenous wildlife and Jim knew that the wolf would always find animal prey.

And there it was: a young doe, suddenly aware of its danger, darted off into the trees. Blair-wolf streaked after it, a swift shadow weaving between the tall trees. Jim broke into a run, preternaturally aware of everything as he leaped over tree-roots and tangled undergrowth in pursuit of the hunting wolf.

***

Prey is close.

Wolf leaps, claws outstretched. He lands on prey’s back. Sinks teeth into pelt. Taste of blood, warm and salty. Tantalising in his hunger.

Wolf tears into prey. Hot blood sprays and prey stumbles and falls. Wolf’s teeth rip through fur and flesh, tearing a chunk of living meat from prey. He snarls as prey falls, leaping around to tear into the soft belly.

Mate is forgotten.

Hungry. Blood. Meat.

***

By the time Jim reached the wolf and the fallen doe, the hunt was over. Blair-wolf was deep into the animal’s guts, his muzzle wet with blood, the doe’s innards spilling all over the forest floor. The smell of freshly-spilled blood and the sound of the wolf’s jaws tearing wetly into meat reached Jim before he saw them. Jim came to a halt at the edge of the small clearing and clung onto the nearest tree trunk while he regained his breath after the long run. Though the kill was not a pretty sight, Jim was relieved to see it. Blair-wolf would gorge on the meat, and after that, he would be safe.

Jim could see little of the man he loved in the ravenous beast, but there were times, just moments, when he could look at Blair’s wolf-form and recognise his lover behind the wolf’s eyes. Jim loved Blair, every part of him. And now this was part of him, too.

But love wasn’t the only reason Jim was so intent upon following Blair that night.

Since Blair returned from the reservation where he’d spent time with Daniel and the other wolves, he had been jumpy as hell around Jim near the full moon. Even in daylight, when he was human, Blair seemed to avoid Jim. Jim was certain Blair’s fear was groundless. Daniel had been clear: a werewolf in wolf form was a danger to any human except its own pack. Those the wolf recognised as pack (or, in human terms, family), it would still recognise in wolf form. That was doubly true for a lover, a mate, as long as the relationship was monogamous. Jim, who understood the power of primal instinct better than most people, trusted that. But he knew Blair didn’t.

The werewolf pack Daniel belonged to were what he called “true” werewolves, meaning werewolves who were members of a pack, with all the associated support and traditions. They Changed not only at the full moon, but any time they wanted to. Jim remembered Daniel drawing a Chinese Yin/Yang symbol on a table-top as he explained how the moon cycle affected werewolves. The symbol was a circle, half black and half white. Within the thickest part of the black was a single white dot, and this was mirrored on the other side: a black dot within the white.

“At the full moon,” he told them, touching the white dot with one gnarled finger, “the wolf is the largest part of us. It surrounds the human within and we have no choice but to Change. When the moon is dark...” he touched the black dot, “we are at our most human and the Change is difficult for some, impossible for others.” He traced the circumference of the symbol with his long fingers. “Between full moon and dark, the wolf within waxes and wanes, like the moon. With the moon.”

Daniel went on to say that those who lived as pack werewolves could learn to merge the human and wolf within, so that in wolf form they retained their human knowledge and intelligence, and in human form they retained some of the wolf’s personality traits, in particular the pack instinct. A werewolf who fought against the wolf within and Changed only at the full moon could retain his human personality intact most of the time. But there was a price: when the wolf form was suppressed like that the werewolf would be untamed and dangerous during the Change.

That was why Blair was so afraid to be around Jim. Desperate to cling to his humanity – and who could blame him for that? – Blair accepted the Change only when he had no other choice. It would not have been possible for him to live like this in Cascade. He would have to be locked up every month, and god-alone-knew what the neighbours would have made of the noise. Leaving the city was an easy decision, and Jim bought the derelict farmhouse near Panther Creek so they would have a place where Blair-wolf could run free at the full moon. They restored the house, moved in and found a routine to manage Blair’s Changes as best they could.

But Jim believed there was more he could do for the man he loved. Blair had helped him so much since they met, Jim felt he owed him. If he could prove to Blair that his fear of hurting Jim was groundless, then perhaps the Change would be less frightening for him. And Jim had something to prove to himself, too.

Blair-wolf had eaten his fill. What was left of the doe was a bloody mess on the forest floor, but there were many other carnivores in the forest and Jim knew nature would clean it up soon enough. He adjusted the weight of the backpack and walked toward the wolf.

Blair-wolf growled, low and menacing, at Jim’s approach.

Jim raised his hands in a “calm down” gesture. “It’s your kill,” he acknowledged. “I know.” He was not certain Blair-wolf could understand human speech, but his actions would be clear enough. He circled the remains of the doe, carefully not looking at it, keeping his eyes on the wolf. “Your kill,” he said again.

Blair-wolf yipped and returned his gaze, his mouth slightly open. Jim would have sworn it was a grin.

“Let’s run,” he suggested.

***

Run. Run with Mate.

Wolf barks excitedly and takes off, dashing past Mate into the trees. Wolf’s claws scatter the soft loam as he runs. He leaps over a fallen tree and barks to warn Mate it is there. Mate is slow and clumsy. Cannot run like Wolf.

Moonlight silvers through the forest canopy and wolf runs faster. Wolf runs up, up toward the big cold.

Mate runs with Wolf.

***

When he clambered over the fallen tree and saw Blair-wolf waiting for him, Jim let out a loud laugh. Chief, you’re doing this on purpose! He didn’t say it aloud, but Blair’s wolfish grin left Jim in no doubt that he was right. The implied challenge touched his own alpha-male instincts and he stared Blair-wolf down resolutely, silently asserting his own dominance. I’ll show you. Wolf versus sentinel.

He cast his mind back to the time he spent in the Peruvian jungle. His enhanced senses were a part of him then in a way he had never quite recaptured in Cascade. He’d been completely aware of everything surrounding him, from the huge trees to the tiniest insect. In the city, such an onslaught of information was overwhelming, impossible to process. Back in the jungle, he had been able to accept it automatically, consciously noticing only what he needed. He could almost see things before they happened.

Could he recapture that here? Now?

What did he have to lose?

Jim took a deep breath and opened himself to the woodland. For a moment, it was too much. Then he felt an odd internal shift and caught a glimpse movement at his side. He turned toward it, but the shadow was visible only at the edge of his vision: the dark panther-shape of his animal spirit, slinking nearby. For a moment he felt a chill, the spirit-panther’s silent presence reminding him of his visions in Cascade. In his first, recurring vision Jim had hunted and killed a wolf, which was Blair. Not long afterward, Blair almost died in reality.

Then Jim thought of that other vision, the one they had somehow shared. He had been the panther, running toward Blair-as-wolf. In the vision the two animals had merged into one. It had given Jim access, for just the few moments he needed, to a mystical power he still didn’t understand. It saved Blair’s life. And Jim smiled to himself as he remembered, understanding what he needed to do now.

Blair-wolf barked. What are you waiting for, Jim?

The smile on Jim’s face broadened into a grin. He saw Blair-wolf’s muscles bunch as he prepared to begin the race. It was just enough warning.

This time, they ran together. As one.

Blair-wolf wasn’t leading the way this time. It was Jim who set the pace and direction. They ran side by side, no longer slowed down by the obstacles nature placed in their path. Jim leapt over tangled brush, roots and hillocks with all the agility of the wolf. He set a punishing pace, but he didn’t feel tired at all. Perhaps it was simply adrenaline, but Jim felt as if he were somehow drawing energy from the life all around them.

They plunged headlong into the dark forest: sentinel, wolf and ghostly cat.

***

A small part of Wolf understands contest. Mate runs like a wolf, now, like pack. Mate runs fast and true.

Wolf and Mate splash through a mountain stream and down into a rocky gully. Mate changes direction, running downhill. Wolf slows; he wants to run up the gully, toward the shining moon.

Mate stops, and shouts human words back to wolf. Wolf does not know the words, but he understands the challenge in them.

Contest.

Wolf runs after Mate. They run together down the gully. Wolf’s paws barely touch the uneven ground.

Finally, as they break into a grassy clearing, Mate slows. He flops to the ground, making happy sounds and panting. Wolf goes to Mate and sniffs him, then licks his face. Mate balls hands in Wolf’s fur, still making happy sounds. Laughter, the part of him that is still Blair supplies. Laughter, joy and love. Wolf licks Mate’s face again and Mate pushes him back, making more words.

Wolf sits and howls his joy to the moon overhead.

***

The wolf-howl echoed through the hills. Jim was forced to dial back his hearing but he watched Blair in wonder. He had never been so close to a real wolf. Though for Blair’s sake he would have rid them of this curse if he could, Jim did find parts of it...fascinating. Perhaps because of the weird shit he’d dealt with since his sentinel abilities came back online, the whole “werewolf” concept bothered Jim less than it once might have. And seeing those little flashes of the Blair he’d known for so long in the wolf was amazing.

Blair-wolf continued to howl. It was a joyous, triumphant sound; the wolf declaring its territory. Jim suspected that the territory being claimed included him. He wondered what Blair-wolf would do if he answered that howl. Well, there was only one way to find out. Jim took a deep breath, threw back his head and uttered a passable imitation of the wolf’s ululating song.

Blair-wolf yipped in surprise, then howled again, long and loud. But the quality of the sound was different. At first Jim didn’t understand. The full moon was high above them, it was much too early for Blair to be able to Change again. Yet it seemed to be happening. Blair-wolf’s howl became a more human groan as the horror of the Change came over him. Fur seemed to split, fold away and vanish. His paws stretched into fingers which curled into claws as he scrabbled at the earth, seeking anything to cling onto. Bones twisted under his muscles, joints popping and re-forming. After an endless time, Blair lay on his side on the grass, fully human and nude, moaning as the pain of the Change faded.

While Blair Changed, Jim had unstrapped the pack from his back. He took a large flask of water out of it. By the time the Change was over, Jim was at Blair’s side. He lifted Blair tenderly into his lap, cradling his head while he lifted the flask to his lips. There were still traces of deer blood around Blair’s mouth. Blair drank greedily and then collapsed against Jim’s body.

Jim kissed the top of his head. The curly hair was damp with sweat, and still smelled slightly of wolf. “Chief,” he murmured, his lips close to Blair’s ear. “Oh, Chief, that was magnificent.”

Blair turned his face up for a kiss. He saw the moon overhead and his eyes widened. “I Changed. Why did I Change?”

“I don’t know,” Jim admitted. He kissed Blair, parting his lips. He tasted blood and raw meat. He tasted wolf...and he tasted Blair. Blair slid his tongue tentatively over Jim’s. It was all Jim needed. He felt his body’s response, heat tightening his groin. Jim shifted his position slightly, so he could lie down alongside Blair. His hands roamed Blair’s naked back, sensitive fingers noticing every speck of clinging dirt.

Blair moaned into the kiss, his hands reaching for Jim’s t-shirt, fists clenching in the material. When Jim drew back to take a breath, Blair leaned closer, not allowing Jim to part from him. “Jim,” he whispered hoarsely. “Jim...”

Jim reached down and pulled the t-shirt off over his head. Suddenly Blair’s hands were tearing at Jim’s pants, pulling the drawstring loose. Jim raised up to allow Blair to push his pants down. In moments they were naked together on the grass. Need rode them both and their passion was wild and it was free...and it was love.

***

Blair lay on his back on the rough grass. There was a sharp stone under his back. Dry twigs dug into his skin. But he didn’t want to move. Jim lay beside him with his head pillowed on Blair’s chest. Blair knew Jim was listening to his heart and wondered if it sounded different, now he wasn’t entirely human. He knew he would never ask.

The full moon was almost gone from the sky, the last of its silver light throwing dark shadows through the trees. Blair couldn’t take his eyes off the last bright sliver of the moon behind the mountains. Simply to see the moon felt like a miracle.

Some wolves, he knew, could Change back to human form during the full moon. They could not avoid the Change – no werewolf could do that – but with an effort they could change back. Blair hadn’t tried to Change tonight, though. Even if he had thought of it, he wouldn’t have expected it to work. It had just happened, like a gift of the night.

Strange that such a thing should happen when, for the first time Blair had been...content as a wolf. Racing through the forest with Jim, he hadn’t missed being human. He had embraced being the wolf. Was that why it had left him? Did that even make sense?

“Chief?” Jim said softly, his breath warm across Blair’s skin.

“I’m good, man,” Blair assured him. The moon had disappeared from view. “Where are we, Jim? Do you know?”

Jim sat up and Blair half-wished he hadn’t asked. “About ten miles from home, as the crow flies, I think.”

“That’s a long way,” Blair commented. Ten miles would be closer to fifteen walking across country. The distance didn’t worry Blair, but the thought of walking so far without clothing or shoes...that bothered him. He could Change. The distance and terrain were nothing to the wolf. But no. He had been through that agony twice already. He couldn’t bear it twice more.

Jim smiled down at him. As if he could read Blair’s thoughts, he said, “If you’re ready, Chief, I have clothes for you.” He reached for the pack he’d carried throughout their long run.

Blair’s eyes flew wide. “You brought my clothes? Why?”

Jim looked a little embarrassed. “I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep up with you,” he confessed. “I thought if I hurt myself, or just wore myself out, you’d stay with me. So I planned for it.” He opened the pack, revealing not only clothing but a paper-wrapped packet of food.

Blair stared into the pack, taking in all the implications. “You trusted me that much? That’s crazy, man! If you’d gotten hurt out here...the wolf might have seen you as easy prey.”

Jim shook his head. “Another wolf, maybe, but not you.” He spoke with absolute certainty.

As Blair pulled his pants out of the backpack, Jim laid a hand over his, stopping him. “I mean it, Chief. I trusted you with my life in Cascade. That hasn’t changed.”

Blair met his eyes gratefully. “Me too, man. Me too.”

~ End ~

Also posted on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/5183