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I don't know why, but this is on my mind today...
A childhood memory. I'm not sure how old I was, but certinly younger than 10. Most likely older than 6, as I don't remember my Dad being present and I do remember Sis being there.
Today I wonder, why was I as a child so unable to trust? Memory is slippery and mine may not be accurate, but as I recall that incident, I had it all reasoned out logically. I had been watching the donkeys and they always went fast on the return trip. Grown ups thought that going fast was fun. I was scared of going fast, but they would lie to me because they thought if they forced me to go fast, I would find it fun, too. I was so certain the promise was a trick I nearly had hysterics until I was allowed off the donkey.
Did someone trick me or lie to me in that way before, and I don't remember it? Or was this part of the shattering of trust that happened when I discovered Mum lied to me about Dad dying? I don't think so...I was older when I found out about that lie.
I don't know why it's bothering me today...it was years and years ago. But it is.
It was a family day out at the beach, somewhere with a long stretch of sand, not pebbles. It was a hot day and there were a lot of activities going on: beach ball games, Punch and Judy, sandcastles and there were donkey rides. I watched the donkeys from a distance: there were six, and each was led by an adult with a child on its back. They went at a slow pace from the top of the beach almost to the water's edge, where they turned in a wide circle and then broke into a run on the way back. To my eyes it looked very fast.
Later, I was allowed a donkey ride myself. This was not my first ride, but I was scared, because I had seen them running. I was afraid I'd fall if they went fast. Although I wanted a ride, I said I would only do it if we didn't have to run, and the adult leading my donkey promised we would go slow the whole way. I agreed to the ride.
My vivid memory is not of enjoying the ride, though I'm sure I did. It's of getting to the part where earlier I'd watched them break into a run before and being so convinced, in spite of promises, that my donkey would do the same that I screamed to get down. The adult repeated her promise that we would go slow, but I simply could not believe it. I was lifted down from the donkey and walked at its side, just as slow as had been promised, all the way back.
Today I wonder, why was I as a child so unable to trust? Memory is slippery and mine may not be accurate, but as I recall that incident, I had it all reasoned out logically. I had been watching the donkeys and they always went fast on the return trip. Grown ups thought that going fast was fun. I was scared of going fast, but they would lie to me because they thought if they forced me to go fast, I would find it fun, too. I was so certain the promise was a trick I nearly had hysterics until I was allowed off the donkey.
Did someone trick me or lie to me in that way before, and I don't remember it? Or was this part of the shattering of trust that happened when I discovered Mum lied to me about Dad dying? I don't think so...I was older when I found out about that lie.
I don't know why it's bothering me today...it was years and years ago. But it is.