Thoughts on feedback

Probably the biggest difference betwen LJ and its clones as a place to post fiction and the older venues of websites and mailing list is the comments. I've always had some feedback for my fics; but the comment cuture is what makes LJ fandom what it is.

I've always said I write for me. I write the stories in my own head, I write the pairings I want to regardless of their popularity in fandom and if my characterisation isn't always the fanon one, it's because I write what I see in the characters.

But sharing what I write is important to me, and the feedback is a good motivator. Without the occasional comments, I might still be talking to myself on long walks, telling my stories to thin air instead of writing them down, the way I did when I was a teen and couldn't write anything down 'cause Sis would find it.

Today I realised something about my relationship with feedback since I started posting on LJ. It's not gonna move any mountains, but for me it's a major revelation. And it's this:

Every time I post a fic, I have a specific someone in mind as a reader. It's a different someone each time, and it's not like I've written the story for that person (I'm not including fics written for prompts or challenges where there is a specific recipient). It's just a little voice in the back of my head saying "I just know X will love this one..." or even "X will 'get' this story".

And it really hurts if that person then doesn't comment.

I love all feedback. I rarely get negative comments but I love even those: I'm happy just to know that my fics are being read. But I guess if I'm thinking of a particular person when I post, and then I get no response from them, it feels as if the story has failed in some way. Or that I've failed.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I just weird?

(NB: Please don't take this as a plea for comments or anything like that. It's a personal musing, nothing more.)